The Ugly Side of Depression

  Depression. We have all heard of it. Many have experienced it. So why isn’t depression talked about more? Depression is a constant feeling of sadness and loss of interest in daily activities. For me personally, depression is constantly there. Lurking in the background. Waiting for a weak moment to pounce and set in.

My depression hits hard and cuts deep. I don’t know when it will come creeping up on me. I quickly lose myself and feel lost. I push people away and then I suffer alone. I lose myself to the darkness. And before I know it I’m lost. Feeling like a burden, pushing people away. I stop taking care of myself. I’m exhausted, all I want to do is sleep.

I manage to drag myself to work, but don’t remember what I did or who I talked to. I completely shut down, trapped in the darkness. Mountains of trash start to surround me because I just don’t have the strength to take it out. I stop responding to calls and texts. I am completely alone, and then the intrusive thoughts start coming. Bouncing around my mind, always there, never leaving.

The suicidal thoughts slowly creep in and take their hold on me, digging their hooks in deep. Never leaving, always there. I start believing them, the thoughts of I’m worthless. I’m a failure. No one cares about me. Everyone would be happy if I was gone. I’m a burden, that just takes up space.

This is what my depression feels like to me, but that does not mean people can’t or don’t have it worse than me. I’m sharing how depression is for me. How I feel when I am on the ugly side of bipolar.  

Depression is a silent killer. It slowly sinks its hooks in and takes hold of you. Before you know it you are slowly suffocating. Sinking into a deep, dark abyss. You fake a smile, because as the saying goes, “Fake it until you make it.” But in reality, you should be reaching out for help.

Please don’t be ashamed to reach out and admit you need help. In my eyes reaching out, admitting you need help, is the biggest sign of strength you can have. You are incredibly brave for admitting you are having a hard time and need a little help. And there is nothing wrong with that. So reach out to your mother, father, friend, brother, sister, or even your doctor. Show your strength and get the help you need. Don’t let depression become your silent killer.