Bipolar and Religion

Did you know that studies show that in combination with medication and talk therapy that religion and spirituality have been known to be important tools in improving quality of life? I personally have found great comfort in practicing my religion and in prayer. Knowing that I have God in my corner has helped me immensely.

Hyper-religiosity is often a symptom of mania. So, how do you tell if your new found spirituality is a symptom of your bipolar and not just you? For me, I pushed back against religion for a long time. I thought I couldn’t be religious and bipolar, and then when I started getting into religion I worried it was a symptom.

I spent a lot of time with myself, thinking and reading. Trying to find answers. And I did find them. I can be religious and bipolar. Being bipolar is not a punishment like I believed it was for a long time. I can have a relationship with God and it help me with my bipolar. It brings me peace.

I still go to my doctor, take my medications, and participate in therapy, but I also pray and read the Bible. My walk with my religion has helped me tremendously. The peace it brings me is indescribable. Psalms 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” To me this is saying God is near and here for me, that he is listening and knows. I am not alone.

The comfort I find in my faith grows daily. Talking with God has helped me find some of my triggers, it also helps with my anxiety of the unknown. I still struggle with giving it all to God, but I am working on it. I can say though, that knowing God is with me, has helped with my stability. I am not alone.

I recently opened up about my struggles with my church group and how accepting they were honestly surprised me. They listened and we prayed together. I answered their questions as they asked. It was a beautiful time for me, knowing that I had a community behind me if I needed them. 

The older I get and the more I learn about my bipolar, the more open I am with my struggles and journey. I want the world to know that I am willing to share my struggles openly. I want to help others grow. That’s why I started writing, to build this platform and safe place for people to share their struggles and what helps them. Maybe we can help each other.

I encourage you to discuss your experiences with religion, the good and the bad. Let us help each other in our walks in faith. God 

Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety has a way of creeping into your life when you least expect it, and depression has a way of creeping in unexpectedly. With both, you have to find a way to coexist with them. Not let them run your life. It’s a delicate balance.

I spend more time down than I do up. It’s how I have always been. My nerves get shot and I just shut down. My fiancé absolutely hates it. I will shut him out without meaning too. It is one thing I have to keep working on constantly.

My anxiety is the tricky thing that I have to overcome. I will stress about stress if you let me. I will stress about normal every day things. Like, I recently had to have an MRI of my head, something so mundane had me freaked out. I mean seriously, I just had to lie there. 

When my anxiety goes unchecked, I imagine all the what ifs life has to offer. You know what I am talking about, you imagine the worst case scenario. What is everyone thinking? Is everyone talking about me? Why am I not good enough? And so much more races through my head.

Life has a way of turning upside down sometimes, with either good or bad. And if I let my anxiety run the show, I miss out on so much good that life has to offer. I miss out on my kids and spending time with my fiancé. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, that I suffer.

My depression is trickier, I can recognize my anxiety, but my depression has a way of creeping in slowly. Sucking the life out of me one minute at a time. It starts small, just being exhausted all the time and turns into not being able to climb out of bed. I shut down, push people away. Stop caring about myself.

The scary thing is that I don’t realize I’m depressed. Not until it gets bad. Not until I am having suicidal thoughts. Of course, I should realize it, with all of my close family and friends telling me that something is wrong. Then, I process that something is wrong, I reach out to people for help, whether that be my doctor, therapist, sometimes its just calling a friend to chat.

It is a slow process, but eventually, with putting in the work, we can all get there. Recognizing our triggers is a good first step. Just make sure you are putting in the work. You have to want to better yourself to get better. Just take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Loneliness

Loneliness to me is a hard emotion to feel. I hate being alone, and it’s worse when I feel alone even around other people. Depression symptoms for me usually starts with the feeling of loneliness. I crave the need to be seen, even though the mere thought of being around other people feels to overwhelming.

It usually starts with feeling alone at work. Even with all those people there, it feels like no one sees me. Then, it starts to happen at home. I feel alone in my own house, even with my fiancé and kids running around. It feels like no one really cares, even though they constantly tell me how much they love me. It’s almost like I feel invisible.

I feel like no one hears what I have to say. No is listening to me when I tell them what I need. Eventually, I just fall into the loneliness, I stop fighting it away and just sit in it. I start pushing people away, which just makes the loneliness worse, but I can’t stand being in a crowd either. I just want to sit at home and be alone.

So, how do I overcome the loneliness, the depression? I start by being honest and admitting to myself how I am feeling. This is the hardest step, because even though I have other people telling me that they are worried about me, I don’t want to admit to having a problem. I still just want to sit in the loneliness. Not feeling anything else.

Taking the first step in admitting something is wrong will always be the hardest step for me. At times I can admit it quickly and get help, whether it be talking with a therapist or getting a medication change, but the times I don’t admit it quickly, it can take a dark turn. The problem I have is that I’m hard headed. I hate admitting something is wrong.

I don’t like admitting something is wrong, because that means admitting I need help. Which shouldn’t be considered a bad thing right? Yet, it is still judged. That is why I try to speak openly about my mental illness, so maybe the next time I admit I need help, I don’t wait so long to ask. 

The stigma about needing help for your brain needs to go. We, as a society, are getting better about it every day, but we aren’t there yet. If more people get talking then maybe we can get there quicker. So, lets get talking, be open and honest. And if you need a little extra help, don’t be stubborn. Just ask.

Disappointment

Disappointment is the sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations. Everyone reacts differently to disappointment. For some people it can fill like the end of the world, for others it might just be a minor inconvenience. 

When it comes to disappointment for me, it feels like the end of the world. I struggle to see the bright side of anything. I slowly start to drown in “what ifs.” I enter the pit of despair with no way out. I can’t see the bright side of anything.

Something as little as my fiancé forgetting an important date or as big as bad news from the doctor could have me up all night. I let it grow and grow until I’m in the pit of despair. Researching or irritable or just plain depressed. I honestly just don’t handle disappointment well.

I can only share my experience, I can’t speak for everyone, but what I find that helps is talking about my feelings. I share my disappointment with a trusted person and we sit and talk everything through. If I’m lucky they can talk me out of my tailspin, but sometimes I still spiral.

When I spiral it’s hard to talk me down. I imagine the worst case scenarios. My disappointment in every day life seem to hit harder. Now I don’t know if it has anything to do with my bipolar or if it’s just me, but handling disappointment is hard. 

We forget that everyone is human and makes mistakes, or that sometimes life is just hard. As much as we hope for something to happen, sometimes life has other ideas. I feel like a lot of times I’m in fight or flight mode just waiting for bad news when life is going great. Then, as soon as something happens and I’m disappointed I justify how I have been feeling/acting.

If your are lucky, like me, though you have someone close that you can talk to about what you are feeling. Maybe they can remind you that not everything is bad and that sometimes disappointment is a good thing. For example, maybe you were just told you had bipolar disorder, you might feel disappointed or shame, but having that trusted person can tell you the bright side of things. Like how Carrie Fisher was also bipolar and led a wonderful life once stable. 

It took me a long time to accept my bipolar diagnosis. I was very disappointed with myself. I remember thinking, “why can’t I just be normal.” Looking back now though, I’m stable, I have a career, I have beautiful children, and I have a platform that I can talk to people about mental illness and help end the stigma surrounding it. Don’t get me wrong, it took a long time to get here and sometimes I still stumble, but I remind myself that I am strong and with a little help can overcome life’s disappointments.

So, find your trusted person, don’t keep it bottled up, talk it out. Maybe then we can handle disappointment just a little bit easier. And with bipolar, sometimes easier is just what’s needed. Don’t let life pass you by with all the what ifs. Just live.

Misery

 

I know I have been out of commission for a while, and for that I apologize. Between grief and a new job and just the ups and downs of being bipolar, keeping up with the blog went on the back burner. I needed to work through everything and get my head back in the game. So I could come back stronger than ever.

Misery loves company, and for the past 10 months misery was my best friend. Unfortunately, I was also bringing everyone close to me down as well. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of depression and couldn’t find my way out. I was literally drowning in my misery.

After being told countless times that I needed to see the doctor I finally did. With a simple medication adjustment I am slowly starting to come out of my misery. Don’t get me wrong, after 10 months I was pretty comfortable in my misery. I had to put in the work to finally dig myself up, but I’m so glad I did.

While stuck in my misery I forgot how much I enjoy writing, reading, baking, even family game night. I went to work and came home and sat on my couch. Ignoring all responsibilities, sometimes even skipping work. I was just existing in misery. I was missing my Dad. I was overwhelmed with my new job. I was feeling like a failure in all areas of my life, especially as a parent.

I was literally sucking the life out of my family. I had no idea how much my mood was affecting them. My oldest was becoming more anxious, my youngest was being defiant, and I was taking my bad mood out on my fiance. Pushing everyone away, thinking it was just me in my misery. I didn’t realize I was literally pulling everyone down with me.

I know what you are thinking, I should know better by now. I can’t sit in my misery and expect everyone else to not notice or be affected. Here’s the thing though, I thought I was hiding it, but instead it was coming out with my short temper or just sitting in front of the TV doing nothing, and everyone was noticing. I was letting my life pass me by and missing out on all the good things.

So, I talked with my doctor, had a medication adjustment and started being honest with myself about how I was feeling. I slowly started journaling again and was able to freely express myself. I started talking to my fiance again, instead of arguing. I started listening to my kids and being there for them again. Slowly the misery is fading, and I’m getting my life back together. Hopefully next time, the misery won’t take over.

That’s where I am at. Still learning day by day. Taking it day by day. If we all learn to not just sit in misery, maybe we will be just a little bit stronger. Maybe we can remain stable. Confront depression and not let it consume us. Take a step back and observe what we are doing and think rationally. Maybe even talk with a therapist and get an outside perspective. Anything that will help is a step in the right direction.

New Adventures

New Adventures

New adventures can be scary. Whether it be a new job, a recent loss, a vacation, you get the idea. I recently lost my father and this has been a rough new adventure. Waking up knowing that he is gone, I will never see him or talk to him again in my lifetime. But I look around and see how much closer my family has gotten and will say that this has been great for me.

I recently am about to start another new adventure in a new job. And let me tell you my anxiety has been through the roof. What if I’m bad at it? What if I fail? What if my new coworkers don’t like me?

After the recent loss of my father I sometimes wonder if taking on a new job so soon is the right move. But I know I needed a change. My concern is the bipolar. How do I work around all these emotions and not have an episode? Especially a manic episode.

With my anxiety as high as it has been in awhile. I worry about failing. Failing at my new job, being a mother, being a girlfriend, or even failing as a daughter. My mind has constantly been racing. It doesn’t help that I have been forgetting to take my medicine at times. Not all the time, but accidentally here and there.

I can’t let the bipolar control me, but with everything going on I would be lying to say I’m not shaking with anxiety from everything that has happened this year. I’m worried about a manic episode. And hoping that that doesn’t happen. I try to remind myself that I am here for a reason and new adventures are part of life. 

So, even with my anxiety going crazy I’m going to try and keep my head held high. Make my Dad proud. Show the world that I can be more than just the girl with bipolar.

Let's talk about suicide(trigger warning)

 Let’s talk about suicide (trigger warning)

Suicide is the act of someone taking their own life. A suicide attempt is when someone is unsuccessful at taking their own life. I’m going to be completely honest, I’ve attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts numerous times. This is a subject that people shy away from but needs to be talked about.

As someone who has been hospitalized multiple times for attempts and suicidal thoughts, I am going to be brutally honest, if you need help: Seek Out The Help. Do not let it get so bad that you feel like you have no way out. There is always a way out. And I say this as someone who has lived in your shoes and possibly will again someday.

I have lived so much of my life in the dark that sometimes I forget the light in life. Seeing my kids smile, date night with my fiance, family gatherings. All things that I miss out on when I’m stuck in the darkness that is my depression. My depression feels like I’m in this dark hole and I just can’t get out.

I forget how to talk at times. I feel like I’m in a fog. Forcing a smile on my face. Forcing to pretend everything is ok. Have you ever answered the question “Are you ok?” With “I’m fine.” But what every part of your body is screaming for help? That is what happens when you let depression get too bad. 

My highs of mania are nothing compared to the lows of my depression. I find myself there often. Starts with suicidal thoughts and then sometimes, if I don’t reach out, turns into a plan. Which twice now I have followed through with. I have had to be hospitalized three times now. And I’m not ashamed of it. I was where I needed to be at the times I needed to be there.

The first time I wanted out and said what I needed to say in order to get out. But the second two times I actually participated. And learned coping skills. I’m not ashamed of reaching out for help, even if the help was asked too late at times. I have learned that there are so many people that love me and want me around. There are people out there that NEED you! Don’t be afraid to ask for help. 

I know I have been repeating myself over and over, but do not be afraid to reach out for help! Whether it be a family member, friend, doctor, just someone. Someone you trust. Just be open and honest about how you are feeling, Suicidal thoughts are not a laughing matter. They should be taken seriously everytime. 

If someone comes to you and asks for help then be prepared to take them seriously. Be prepared to talk to them, be prepared to ask the hard questions. Be prepared to take them to the hospital if necessary. Be prepared to listen. Do not undermine them. Do not tell them to get over it! Actually listen to them. 

I hope if I reach just one person, I can help save one person. Then what I’m doing matters. Being open and honest about my struggles I hope shows people that you aren’t alone. Feel free to reach out to me even if you feel like you have no one else. 

The National Suicide hotline is 988. You can also reach out to the crisis text line at 741741.