It has been a hard week

 

This week has been rough. I made a mistake, missed my kids program. And ever since I have been feeling awful. This is a prime example of how something small can set my bipolar off. I have been settling into depression ever since.

I am human, I make mistakes, but I also have bipolar. Which means sometimes little innocent mistakes set me off. I spiral, either up or down. This time it’s down. I have barely moved, I keep crying, apologizing. I feel like a failure as a parent, a person. I feel like I don’t deserve forgiveness. 

This is what depression does. It eats away at any self confidence you have until you just feel worse and worse about yourself. You can’t sleep. For me I eat. You feel overwhelmed by small tasks. You can’t concentrate. You start feeling worse about yourself. And now, depression is in your ear, whispering awful untrue things to you.

You slowly start to believe them. That you are a burden. That everyone would be better off without you. That you are alone. Nobody cares. You slowly start to hate yourself. You stop taking care of yourself. You fake a smile so no one will know the torment your mind is in. You don’t want to burden anyone else.

You toss and turn and lay awake at night. Replaying every minor mistake over and over in your head. Punishing yourself over and over. Soon you are in mental anguish. You call out of work, you lay in bed, you don’t eat or you overeat. Soon your mental anguish turns into physical pain.

At this point you know you need help, but how do you admit you let it get this bad? So you continue to suffer in silence. You feel like you are drowning. You feel alone. A burden. This is why depression is called the silent killer.

Please, if you notice someone acting strange, reach out. Do not be afraid to ask if they are ok. When you are so low and afraid to ask for help, or so low and feel like a burden, when someone asks if you are ok, it can feel like the weight of the world is being lifted off your shoulders. Someone actually cares about you. You can finally admit how hurt you are. How empty you feel.

Do not be ashamed to admit you need help. You are not worthless. You are not a burden. You are human. We make mistakes, and that’s ok. It does not mean you are less of a human being. You don’t deserve to feel this way. Reach out to someone, anyone. You are not alone.

Control

 

This is something that I struggle with often, more than once daily I feel like a failure. Usually I can lift my spirits with coping skills. But more often than not, my anxiety is constantly on my shoulder, telling me I am a failure, or that I could be doing more.

The constant weight of the world on my shoulders, or at least that is what it feels like. I feel as if every tiny mistake makes me an awful person. I constantly beat myself up, push myself to be better. I am a people pleaser. And then when I can’t handle the pressure I have put myself under, I break.

 I lose my temper with loved ones. I’m disappointed in myself. I feel like I am losing control of my life. And then I just shut down. My anxiety has officially made me feel like a failure. I loathe myself. I’m grasping at anything to gain control back.

Times like this, when I am spiraling, and just trying to gain control back, thoughts of self harm creep into my mind. Now, I haven’t self harmed since I was 21. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come to mind when I am looking for control. It is like an addiction, when I don’t feel in control.

My anxiety has caused me so much pain. Losing control is the breaking point for me. With my bipolar, being in control is almost a priority. And then here comes my anxiety, poking the bear. I become paranoid again, I lose control, and then I’m picking up the pieces.

No one should have to suffer with uncontrolled anxiety. It can cause so much distress in your life. It can cause you to lose all faith in yourself. It can set back your hard work by years. Don’t fall into bad habits. Don’t fall back to past addictions. Keep your head up. And most important, do not be afraid to ask for help when you start to lose control.

Swings

No one tells you about how bad the mood swings can be with bipolar. No one tells you how many times you might lose yourself to your mind. No one tells you how bad you treat yourself. No one prepares you for the constant up and down, even with medication.

I am the first to admit that I am not the smartest, I am human. I make mistakes, stupid desicions. Add in a mental illness, and sometimes what seems like a normal easy decision, turns into another mistake. Like shopping sprees, or excessive sexual relationships. 

Now this is something I don’t like to talk about, or make excuses for. I can say I was young and dumb, I can admit that I didn’t make smart choices. But nothing will change the fact that when I was unmedicated I made quick decisions that I can’t take back. Decisions, that thankfully, haven’t caused me further issues.

You see, no one talks about how mania can affect your decision making. Or how when you're so low, you will do anything to make yourself feel better. Even if that is only temporary. You do everything to make other people happy, because you think they will stay and make you happy. In reality, it leads to an even deeper spiral. 

I have been called multiple things. I have done things I am not proud of during an episode. But my actions while manic or depressed do not and never will define me. I have slept around more than I care to admit. I have also repressed into myself so much that I didn’t talk to anyone for months. I have let people take advantage of me, I have been humiliated, but that doesn’t change who I am as a person. 

No one tells you about on top of the world you can be. How nothing bad can happen to you when you are that manic. No one tells you that when the tables turn, and you start to realize all that you have done, how that catapults you into depression. Then it takes all of your energy to get out of bed, put on a happy face, go to work, come home even more exhausted, and just crawl back into your safe place. 

For me, my safe space is my couch. I silence my phone. And I hide from the world. I neglect myself. Dry shampoo becomes my best friend, hiding the fact that I can’t even stand in a shower. Trash and laundry pile up, I just don’t have the energy to even think about doing laundry. But then even looking at the mess makes me feel even worse. All I want to do is just sink into my couch and disappear. 

How do you even try to explain to someone what you are going through? The highs and lows. How you feel like you can fly, but the next thing you know you are crashing into the ground so hard you feel like you just want to disappear? How alone you feel? How much of a burden you are to your friends and family.

I struggle daily, I have alarms for medicine. I keep my routine. But even then sometimes it’s not enough. I still swing up and down, even with medication. Knowing I have a strong support system helps. Therapy helps. But being able to voice my thoughts, put my feelings out there for the world to see. 

This blog has helped me so much. I feel like I am learning how to express myself again. I want to show people they aren’t alone in their struggle with mental illness. I want to help end the stigma. This is my escape, and I hope that someday, this can be more people’s escape.