New Adventures

New Adventures

New adventures can be scary. Whether it be a new job, a recent loss, a vacation, you get the idea. I recently lost my father and this has been a rough new adventure. Waking up knowing that he is gone, I will never see him or talk to him again in my lifetime. But I look around and see how much closer my family has gotten and will say that this has been great for me.

I recently am about to start another new adventure in a new job. And let me tell you my anxiety has been through the roof. What if I’m bad at it? What if I fail? What if my new coworkers don’t like me?

After the recent loss of my father I sometimes wonder if taking on a new job so soon is the right move. But I know I needed a change. My concern is the bipolar. How do I work around all these emotions and not have an episode? Especially a manic episode.

With my anxiety as high as it has been in awhile. I worry about failing. Failing at my new job, being a mother, being a girlfriend, or even failing as a daughter. My mind has constantly been racing. It doesn’t help that I have been forgetting to take my medicine at times. Not all the time, but accidentally here and there.

I can’t let the bipolar control me, but with everything going on I would be lying to say I’m not shaking with anxiety from everything that has happened this year. I’m worried about a manic episode. And hoping that that doesn’t happen. I try to remind myself that I am here for a reason and new adventures are part of life. 

So, even with my anxiety going crazy I’m going to try and keep my head held high. Make my Dad proud. Show the world that I can be more than just the girl with bipolar.

Let's talk about suicide(trigger warning)

 Let’s talk about suicide (trigger warning)

Suicide is the act of someone taking their own life. A suicide attempt is when someone is unsuccessful at taking their own life. I’m going to be completely honest, I’ve attempted suicide twice. I have had suicidal thoughts numerous times. This is a subject that people shy away from but needs to be talked about.

As someone who has been hospitalized multiple times for attempts and suicidal thoughts, I am going to be brutally honest, if you need help: Seek Out The Help. Do not let it get so bad that you feel like you have no way out. There is always a way out. And I say this as someone who has lived in your shoes and possibly will again someday.

I have lived so much of my life in the dark that sometimes I forget the light in life. Seeing my kids smile, date night with my fiance, family gatherings. All things that I miss out on when I’m stuck in the darkness that is my depression. My depression feels like I’m in this dark hole and I just can’t get out.

I forget how to talk at times. I feel like I’m in a fog. Forcing a smile on my face. Forcing to pretend everything is ok. Have you ever answered the question “Are you ok?” With “I’m fine.” But what every part of your body is screaming for help? That is what happens when you let depression get too bad. 

My highs of mania are nothing compared to the lows of my depression. I find myself there often. Starts with suicidal thoughts and then sometimes, if I don’t reach out, turns into a plan. Which twice now I have followed through with. I have had to be hospitalized three times now. And I’m not ashamed of it. I was where I needed to be at the times I needed to be there.

The first time I wanted out and said what I needed to say in order to get out. But the second two times I actually participated. And learned coping skills. I’m not ashamed of reaching out for help, even if the help was asked too late at times. I have learned that there are so many people that love me and want me around. There are people out there that NEED you! Don’t be afraid to ask for help. 

I know I have been repeating myself over and over, but do not be afraid to reach out for help! Whether it be a family member, friend, doctor, just someone. Someone you trust. Just be open and honest about how you are feeling, Suicidal thoughts are not a laughing matter. They should be taken seriously everytime. 

If someone comes to you and asks for help then be prepared to take them seriously. Be prepared to talk to them, be prepared to ask the hard questions. Be prepared to take them to the hospital if necessary. Be prepared to listen. Do not undermine them. Do not tell them to get over it! Actually listen to them. 

I hope if I reach just one person, I can help save one person. Then what I’m doing matters. Being open and honest about my struggles I hope shows people that you aren’t alone. Feel free to reach out to me even if you feel like you have no one else. 

The National Suicide hotline is 988. You can also reach out to the crisis text line at 741741.

Grief?

 

Grief has a funny way of sneaking up on you. Slithering into your core. You can be grieving anything at any time, a job, a loss of a friendship, a death. With just losing my Dad recently, grief has been on my mind a lot.

With my Dad’s cancer being terminal we knew it was a matter of time, not a fight. But how do you keep going on? Doctors, therapists, being strong for my girls. But also being vulnerable. Showing my kids that it is okay to hurt.

The hardest part about all of this has been being honest with my kids. How honest to be with them. What do they need to know, not know. What terms to use, not use. I am in uncharted territory. And I don’t know what to do.

Add in my bipolar and it’s like being on the rollercoaster from hell. How do you grieve with bipolar? How do you grieve without bipolar? What is the healthiest way to grieve? Is it therapy or talking to other people in a similar position? Is it pretending it didn’t happen or letting the grief just take over you for a while?

I feel like for everyone it’s different. For me I feel like I have been in just this huge black hole since my dad was diagnosed. Falling deeper and deeper. No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to climb out. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, I’ve had just a rough time in general getting over this. I mean it’s hard watching someone you love slowly die in front of you.

My rollercoaster has been on a downward spiral for months and I can’t seem to shake the grief. Talking about it doesn’t seem to help. Being alone makes it so much worse. So I try to stay busy and out of the house. 

After losing my Dad though getting out has been a struggle. Work has become my worst nightmare, because who wants to cry while at work? Being alone has been scary because my thoughts can get away from me. I found myself pushing away what I love, which is writing. I find myself not being the best version of me. 

Maybe being more open with everyone will make it better, but I don’t want anyone to worry about me. So I put on my fake smile and push forward. Everyone grieves differently. And maybe my grief won’t get better for a while. But I continue pushing forward. I know I will eventually climb out, but for now I will just keep pushing through. One day at a time.