Grief?

 

Grief has a funny way of sneaking up on you. Slithering into your core. You can be grieving anything at any time, a job, a loss of a friendship, a death. With just losing my Dad recently, grief has been on my mind a lot.

With my Dad’s cancer being terminal we knew it was a matter of time, not a fight. But how do you keep going on? Doctors, therapists, being strong for my girls. But also being vulnerable. Showing my kids that it is okay to hurt.

The hardest part about all of this has been being honest with my kids. How honest to be with them. What do they need to know, not know. What terms to use, not use. I am in uncharted territory. And I don’t know what to do.

Add in my bipolar and it’s like being on the rollercoaster from hell. How do you grieve with bipolar? How do you grieve without bipolar? What is the healthiest way to grieve? Is it therapy or talking to other people in a similar position? Is it pretending it didn’t happen or letting the grief just take over you for a while?

I feel like for everyone it’s different. For me I feel like I have been in just this huge black hole since my dad was diagnosed. Falling deeper and deeper. No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to climb out. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, I’ve had just a rough time in general getting over this. I mean it’s hard watching someone you love slowly die in front of you.

My rollercoaster has been on a downward spiral for months and I can’t seem to shake the grief. Talking about it doesn’t seem to help. Being alone makes it so much worse. So I try to stay busy and out of the house. 

After losing my Dad though getting out has been a struggle. Work has become my worst nightmare, because who wants to cry while at work? Being alone has been scary because my thoughts can get away from me. I found myself pushing away what I love, which is writing. I find myself not being the best version of me. 

Maybe being more open with everyone will make it better, but I don’t want anyone to worry about me. So I put on my fake smile and push forward. Everyone grieves differently. And maybe my grief won’t get better for a while. But I continue pushing forward. I know I will eventually climb out, but for now I will just keep pushing through. One day at a time.