Misery

 

I know I have been out of commission for a while, and for that I apologize. Between grief and a new job and just the ups and downs of being bipolar, keeping up with the blog went on the back burner. I needed to work through everything and get my head back in the game. So I could come back stronger than ever.

Misery loves company, and for the past 10 months misery was my best friend. Unfortunately, I was also bringing everyone close to me down as well. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of depression and couldn’t find my way out. I was literally drowning in my misery.

After being told countless times that I needed to see the doctor I finally did. With a simple medication adjustment I am slowly starting to come out of my misery. Don’t get me wrong, after 10 months I was pretty comfortable in my misery. I had to put in the work to finally dig myself up, but I’m so glad I did.

While stuck in my misery I forgot how much I enjoy writing, reading, baking, even family game night. I went to work and came home and sat on my couch. Ignoring all responsibilities, sometimes even skipping work. I was just existing in misery. I was missing my Dad. I was overwhelmed with my new job. I was feeling like a failure in all areas of my life, especially as a parent.

I was literally sucking the life out of my family. I had no idea how much my mood was affecting them. My oldest was becoming more anxious, my youngest was being defiant, and I was taking my bad mood out on my fiance. Pushing everyone away, thinking it was just me in my misery. I didn’t realize I was literally pulling everyone down with me.

I know what you are thinking, I should know better by now. I can’t sit in my misery and expect everyone else to not notice or be affected. Here’s the thing though, I thought I was hiding it, but instead it was coming out with my short temper or just sitting in front of the TV doing nothing, and everyone was noticing. I was letting my life pass me by and missing out on all the good things.

So, I talked with my doctor, had a medication adjustment and started being honest with myself about how I was feeling. I slowly started journaling again and was able to freely express myself. I started talking to my fiance again, instead of arguing. I started listening to my kids and being there for them again. Slowly the misery is fading, and I’m getting my life back together. Hopefully next time, the misery won’t take over.

That’s where I am at. Still learning day by day. Taking it day by day. If we all learn to not just sit in misery, maybe we will be just a little bit stronger. Maybe we can remain stable. Confront depression and not let it consume us. Take a step back and observe what we are doing and think rationally. Maybe even talk with a therapist and get an outside perspective. Anything that will help is a step in the right direction.