Friday, November 19, 2021

It has been a hard week


This week has been rough. I made a mistake, missed my kids program. And ever since I have been feeling awful. This is a prime example of how something small can set my bipolar off. I have been settling into depression ever since.

I am human, I make mistakes, but I also have bipolar. Which means sometimes little innocent mistakes set me off. I spiral, either up or down. This time it’s down. I have barely moved, I keep crying, apologizing. I feel like a failure as a parent, a person. I feel like I don’t deserve forgiveness. 

This is what depression does. It eats away at any self confidence you have until you just feel worse and worse about yourself. You can’t sleep. For me I eat. You feel overwhelmed by small tasks. You can’t concentrate. You start feeling worse about yourself. And now, depression is in your ear, whispering awful untrue things to you.

You slowly start to believe them. That you are a burden. That everyone would be better off without you. That you are alone. Nobody cares. You slowly start to hate yourself. You stop taking care of yourself. You fake a smile so no one will know the torment your mind is in. You don’t want to burden anyone else.

You toss and turn and lay awake at night. Replaying every minor mistake over and over in your head. Punishing yourself over and over. Soon you are in mental anguish. You call out of work, you lay in bed, you don’t eat or you overeat. Soon your mental anguish turns into physical pain.

At this point you know you need help, but how do you admit you let it get this bad? So you continue to suffer in silence. You feel like you are drowning. You feel alone. A burden. This is why depression is called the silent killer.

Please, if you notice someone acting strange, reach out. Do not be afraid to ask if they are ok. When you are so low and afraid to ask for help, or so low and feel like a burden, when someone asks if you are ok, it can feel like the weight of the world is being lifted off your shoulders. Someone actually cares about you. You can finally admit how hurt you are. How empty you feel.

Do not be ashamed to admit you need help. You are not worthless. You are not a burden. You are human. We make mistakes, and that’s ok. It does not mean you are less of a human being. You don’t deserve to feel this way. Reach out to someone, anyone. You are not alone.

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