Control

 

This is something that I struggle with often, more than once daily I feel like a failure. Usually I can lift my spirits with coping skills. But more often than not, my anxiety is constantly on my shoulder, telling me I am a failure, or that I could be doing more.

The constant weight of the world on my shoulders, or at least that is what it feels like. I feel as if every tiny mistake makes me an awful person. I constantly beat myself up, push myself to be better. I am a people pleaser. And then when I can’t handle the pressure I have put myself under, I break.

 I lose my temper with loved ones. I’m disappointed in myself. I feel like I am losing control of my life. And then I just shut down. My anxiety has officially made me feel like a failure. I loathe myself. I’m grasping at anything to gain control back.

Times like this, when I am spiraling, and just trying to gain control back, thoughts of self harm creep into my mind. Now, I haven’t self harmed since I was 21. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come to mind when I am looking for control. It is like an addiction, when I don’t feel in control.

My anxiety has caused me so much pain. Losing control is the breaking point for me. With my bipolar, being in control is almost a priority. And then here comes my anxiety, poking the bear. I become paranoid again, I lose control, and then I’m picking up the pieces.

No one should have to suffer with uncontrolled anxiety. It can cause so much distress in your life. It can cause you to lose all faith in yourself. It can set back your hard work by years. Don’t fall into bad habits. Don’t fall back to past addictions. Keep your head up. And most important, do not be afraid to ask for help when you start to lose control.