Sunday, April 30, 2023

Manic Moments

  Recently I read Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher. I absolutely fell in love with this book. I read it in a day, I just couldn’t put it down. Carrie Fisher has been an idol of mine for a few years now. Even though she sadly passed away in 2016, I always admired how open she was with her struggles.

I have always been impressed with how open and honest Carrie Fisher was with her mental illness and addiction struggles, honestly everyone that can be open like that impresses me. I always wished that I would have that level of confidence in myself to share my struggles openly and let others know they aren’t alone.

I personally struggled a lot with my bipolar diagnosis. I absolutely rejected it at first. I refused to believe that I needed medication. I refused to take medication. I refused all help. I went from highs to lows. Had many ups and downs. Still have my ups and downs.

I struggle with mostly my depression. Mania is usually welcomed with open arms.I get more done. I see things differently. I feel more creative. Unfortunately, my mania also comes with more drinking, less sleeping, and a mind all over the place. I clean more, I do more. But I also struggle. 

I am struggling from not sleeping. I spend money I don’t have. I stop taking my medicine because in my mind I feel better so I don’t need it. This is when I become dangerous. I take risks. I make mistakes. Sometimes I’m not the best mother. I rely on the support of my family and friends to talk some sense into me.

Sometimes that means sending my kids to stay with family. And being open and honest with my doctor. To Be honest, I stopped my medicine. To Be honest, I’m manic. That I’m not being safe.

Manic moments for me are not fun. They aren’t something that I feel comfortable joking about. They can be dangerous. I feel on top of the world. I feel like nothing bad will ever happen  to me. I take unnecessary risks. All the bad falls away and I feel free. But that is when I become dangerous to myself. The extra risks, the not paying bills. You get the idea. 

These times are when I need to become more open and honest with my doctors, because after the mania comes the crushing depression. I am slowly working on being more open with my doctor. Setting reminders on my phone to take medicine so I don't forget. Together with the support of my family, friends, therapist, and doctors I am starting to be better. Baby steps in the right direction.

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